God Has Trademarked Manhood

This is how trademarking works. It’s a claim on something original or unique that establishes ownership. Many might use, build on, or add something to the original, but the trademark establishes the absolute first origin of something. It’s important in business—it’s more important in creation.

Man is God’s creative work.

God holds the trademark on creation. More specifically, God holds the trademark on manhood. All of God’s creation was brought into being with a sense of care and love, but when he created man he didn’t speak him into existence as he did the stars, water, land, and animals. Instead God innovated a new technique in creation: God formed man. This term is rich in depth and meaning—God handmade man by sculpting him from what he had already created.

Genesis 1:26–28 is considered a summary statement of the creation of both men and women. In that summary, though, we find a statement of purpose along with mere description. The key is in the word image. Those five letters are jam-packed with fundamental theological truth that gives us insight not only into God’s original intent in human creation, but also his ongoing purpose for us in the world.

 

Work is a key part of who we are as men.

Man was meant to function like a mirror—something to reflect the image of God into creation. Humanity, made in the image of God, was created to be an earthly representation of who God is. In man’s God-given dominion and rule over creation, he was to display the ultimate rule of God in his limited dominion.

Working men

As an image-bearer, man was to reflect God’s heavenly reign on earth. In other words, man represents God by virtue of being in his image. In representing God, man was to glorify the God who created him.

This is an incredible responsibility. Both Genesis 1:28 and 2:15 describe this responsibility as the act of subduing and caring for creation. In subduing creation, man is given the ability to use it for his personal benefit on God’s terms. In that light, the command in Genesis 1:28 might be paraphrased like this: “Harness its potential and use its resources for your benefit”

Man was called to subdue, care, and rule in God’s name.

The word care in Genesis 2:15 carries a similar sense. The man is called “to work it and keep” the garden. In essence, this responsibility was a job.

It's no coincidence that man got a job before he had a woman! Work was good in those days—more than good, in fact. Then and now, in a redeemed sense, work is a key part of who we are as men.

Man was called to subdue. And he was called to care. But he was also called to rule. In ruling they would serve as God’s vice-regents (a person who acts in the name of another) on Earth. This rule was not to be done with an iron fist. If humans were really going to reflect the image of God’s rule on their own, they would accept the responsibility of seeing to the welfare of that which is put under them and the privilege of using it for their benefit.

Imaging in relationship

We need to be careful here that we don’t miss one of the chief components of being God’s image-bearer. As an image-bearer, man is to subdue. He is to care and work. And he is to rule. All these components are key, but what is missing up to this point is the relationship.

Having a relationship with God was what made image-bearing more than just some sort of political appointment. God designed humans with a unique capacity for relationship because it was his intent that this centerpiece of his creation, man and woman, would be relationally connected to him for eternity. Without relationship, none of the other aspects of being an image-bearer would matter.

Jesus restores manhood

In the gospel, Jesus is restoring our vision of manhood. He is blowing up our own versions of what it means to be a man with his own quintessential masculinity. His life, death, love, and resurrection push us onward to our restored relationship with God and others.

In him and in him alone, we can find that the gospel is applied to all areas of our lives that we might become the men God intended for us to be—those conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. Let us, then, commit our lives to journeying with our Savior, having repented and being restored by grace alone through faith alone in Jesus Christ alone.

Why Men Hate Coming to Church.

Why do men feel so uncomfortable coming to church these days?

God didn’t send girly-men to preach the Gospel, build churches and reform society back in the days of the early church. And He certainly won’t do that today either.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the state of our culture. I’ve put all my chips on one strategy: Men don’t feel welcomed in churches anymore because Christianity has been feminized.

As a part of a strategy to change, we need to stop emasculating maleness in men and the solution is simple. Start encouraging men in the church to be men – not women in drag.

I struggled to find statistics in Australia, but the numbers in America are staggering and I have no reason to doubt they would be relative here.


The typical U.S. congregation draws an adult crowd that’s 61 percent female and 39 percent male. This gender gap shows up in all age categories.

On any given Sunday there are 13 million more adult women than men in America’s churches.

This Sunday almost 25 percent of married, churchgoing women will worship without their husbands.

Midweek activities often draw 70 to 80 percent female participants.

As many as 90 percent of the boys who are being raised in church will abandon it by their 20th birthday. Many of them will never return.

More than 90 percent of American men believe in God, and five out of six call themselves Christians. But only two out of six attend church on any given Sunday. The average man accepts the reality of Jesus Christ, but fails to see any value in going to church.

These are absolutely frightening statistics, but they are not surprising.

The spinoff effects of this reality can be seen in our families (or at least what’s left of them), our schools, our clubs and in the prisons of our society. And ironically, with the death of genuine masculinity, an increasing number of young men are seeking to reclaim their manhood in homosexuality.

On a cultural level, we all know that the idea of a “real man” has almost been beaten out of our social consciousness. Men are objects of scorn and vilification. Watch any TV commercial or sitcom and you’ll witness a barrage of attacks, all designed to assault the dignity of real masculinity and the historic male role model as provider and protector.

I’m not saying anything new here. Many have already made this point, some much better than I, but what concerns me isn’t that broader culture has rejected masculinity, it's that the church has aided and abetted this concept of manhood, and it’s not just the liberal churches that are guilty either.

All too often the pastoral “role model” in evangelical circles mirrors that “Simpson’s” character, the Rev. Love Joy. Our pastors are either quaint, odd, harmless pushovers, or they are slick metrosexual types who can cry at the drop of a hat – literally – but have absolutely no courage to stand up against real evil or teach the truth with authority.

They’ve suppressed godly male assertiveness, opting instead to “be nice.” They have forfeited their calling to “speak the truth” in the interest of political correctness. And they have decided that manipulating people with emotional self-help books and anecdotal sermonizing is better for the bottom line than training and teaching the men in their congregations to be leaders and warriors for Christ. And as a result, the church is suffering from a death of real men.

Is feminism to blame?

No doubt feminism is a force of evil in society. It is evil not because it has tried to establish equality. Rather it is precisely because it hasn’t established equality that it is guilty of perpetrating a fraud. What feminism has succeeded in doing is to convince both sexes that the only masculine identity that is valuable is an effeminate male. That in fact, the only way for equality to exist is for men to be like women, or simply not to exist.

Now, we can blame the feminist movement all we want – but it won’t change a thing because in the end, men have embraced their own feminisation. Men have done this to themselves because they have become soft and lazy.

Men are far more interested in accommodating the women’s movement than in asserting their masculinity. And whether that’s because we want to be “popular with the girls,” because we are too insecure and unsure about leading, or if it comes out of sheer exasperation – “You want to take over the leadership? Go ahead, I just don’t want to argue anymore” – we’ve conceded our role in family, church and society.

But let’s be clear about one thing: We had no right to palm off that responsibility.

The solution is very simple: Men need to be men again. They need to take up their responsibility the way God intended them to behave. And the church needs to re-learn how to help them do that again.

The Importance of Following Instructions

"Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord." (NIV)

Proverbs 16:20

We live in a world of instructions. Practically everything that can be purchased comes with a set of instructions. Even boxes and cans of food quite often include instructions on how to utilize the product in some new recipe. Instructions are a vital part of our daily lives and influence us more than we realize. It is important to follow instructions for at least three reasons.

First, following instructions frees us from frustration. How many times has a dad gotten in a hurry on Christmas Eve, trying to assemble bicycles and other assorted items without reading the instructions only to find that he should have inserted Tab A in Slot B before cutting along dotted line C. It is easy to be overcome by overconfidence when it comes to assembling children's toys, thinking that we can do it by ignoring the instructions and simply looking at the picture on the box. After all, who has time to read all of that fine print and count to make sure that the package includes the right number of nuts, bolts, and thing-a-majigs. Ignoring the instructions inevitably leads to some very frustrating moments.

Ignoring God's instructions for our lives will also lead to some very frustrating moments. How often do we think that we have life all figured out. How often do we think that we can handle life's problems on the strength of our understanding alone? How often do we fail to see the bigger picture and get completely frustrated with life, people, and ourselves? Ignoring God's instructions as found in His Word will eventually lead to frustration.

Proverbs 13:13 states, "He who scorns instruction will pay for it, but he who respects a command is rewarded" (NIV). We need divine perspective more than we realize.

Second, following instructions delivers us from danger. There is a tag on the cord of my electric hair clippers that reads, "Danger--Electrocution possible if used or dropped in water." There is a warning stamped on plastic bags that contain that states, "Warning: To avoid danger of suffocation, keep away from babies and children. This is not a toy."

Our streets are dotted with instructions at the end of long metal poles: "Stop ... Do Not Enter ... One Way ... Slow—Children At Play." We simply cannot escape instructions, regardless of where we go.

Quite often, instructions are posted to keep us from endangering our lives and the lives of others. When these instructions are neglected tragedy is often the result.

God's Word is filled with instruction that warns us of danger. There are many negative commands in the Word of God, the "Thou shalt not..." passages. 

Rather than seeing God's negative commands in a negative light however, we ought to see them as being doubly positive.

However, behind every negative command stand two positive principles of protection. When God says "No" it is because He wants to protect us from danger and provide something better for us. It would benefit us greatly to willingly follow God's instructions lest we put ourselves and others in danger. We would be wise to heed the advice of Proverbs 4:13, "Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life" (NIV).

Third, following instructions enhances our enjoyment. When we follow the instructions that come with a purchased product, our enjoyment of that product is enhanced. We enjoy using the product and more than likely will discover that the product will last longer when used properly and in accordance with the manufacturer's instructions.

So it is with our lives. We will enjoy life more when we purpose to live our lives in accordance with our Maker's instructions. In some cases we can expect to live longer when we follow our Maker's instructions because we will avoid paths, habits, and relationships that might endanger and even end our lives prematurely. The writer of Proverbs was right in stating, "Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers."

10 Tips for Maintaining Sexual Integrity

Normally, I'd write a blog each week about issues men encounter every day, real life issues. This week however, I am borrowing material straight from this weeks Men of Honour study that was delivered to the group by my long time friend who helps me prepare and deliver our studies.

He provides 10 practical tips on maintaining sexual integrity that all men can adhere to.

TEN TIPS FOR MAINTAINING SEXUAL INTEGRITY

 

Tip 1: GET REAL

Recognize that sexual temptation is unavoidable in our sex-obsessed culture. Erotic images on billboards, films, television and a thousand other stimulants are bombarding you daily. Being a Christian doesn't exempt you from temptation - the godliest of men can fall prey to it. So the first step towards maintaining sexual integrity is to get real. Admit to yourself that sexual temptation is a problem that you have to reckon with. Remember John's warning: "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves" (I John 1:8).

 

Tip 2: GET SERIOUS

You should know by now that sexual sin ravages everyone connected with it. What you may not know is that every sexual fantasy you entertain, every flirtatious conversation you keep up, or every "second look" you indulge in is the seed for AIDS, adultery, a broken heart, a shattered life. Get serious - if you're entertaining lust, you're dancing on a cliff. Take concrete action now while you can. "Lust, when it is conceived, brings forth sin, and sin brings forth death." (James 1: 15)

 

Tip 3: GET READY

If you really believe an earthquake is coming someday, you prepare for it by developing an emergency plan. If you really believe sexual temptation is both common and can become lethal, you'll make an "emergency plan" for it, too. Decide in advance what to do when you're tempted: how to distract yourself, who to call, how to escape close calls. Even St. Paul admitted: "Like an athlete I train my body to do what it should, not what it wants to do. Otherwise, I fear that I myself might be declared unfit." (I Corinthians 9:27) Can you really afford to do less?

 

Tip 4: GET CONNECTED

Sexual sin thrives in the dark. If you're caught up in any sexual vice, one thing is certain: The secrecy surrounding your behavior is what strengthens its hold on you. However ashamed you may feel about admitting your problem to another person, the reality is this: You can't overcome this on your own. If you could, wouldn't you have done so by now? Take a hint from James: "Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that you might be healed." (James 5:16) Find a trusted, mature Christian friend to confide in. Make that friend a partner in your recovery, and NEVER assume that you've reached a point where you no longer need accountability.

 

Tip 5: GET BRUTAL

I believe there's an eleventh commandment somewhere that says "Thou Shalt Not Kid Thy Self." If you're serious about sexual integrity, you'll distance yourself not only from the particular sexual sin you're most prone to (fantasizing, pornography, affairs, prostitution) but you'll ALSO distance yourself from any person or thing that entices you towards that sin. Sometimes, even a legitimate activity (certain movies, music or clubs, for example) may be OK for other people to indulge in, but not for you. Get brutally honest about your lifestyle: anything in it that makes you prone to sexual sin has to go." All things are lawful for me", Paul said, "but not all things are edifying. I will not be brought under the power of anything." (I Corinthians 6:12)

 

Tip 6: GET HELP

Sexual sins are often symptomatic of deeper emotional needs that a man is trying to satisfy in all the wrong ways. Repenting of the sin itself is necessary first step, but recognizing the conflicts or needs that led you into that behavior may be the next step, requiring some specialized care from a Christian professional. Don't hesitate to seek Godly counsel if you're trapped in cycles of ongoing, out-of-control behavior. The answer you need may be more than just "pray and get over it!".King David (who was no stranger to sexual sin, by the way) found refuge in Samuel's wise mentoring. (I Samuel 19:18) If you're willing to seek professional help for taxes, medical care or career counseling, surely you'll be willing to do the same to maintain your sexual integrity.

 

 

Tip 7: GET COMFORTABLE

The problem of sexual temptation isn't going anywhere. It's been with us since time immemorial, and no doubt it will plague us until Christ comes. So get comfortable with the idea that you'll need to manage your sexual desires throughout life, always remembering that your sexual integrity is but a part of the general life-long sanctification process all Christians go through. "I count myself not to have attained perfection", Paul told the Phillipians. "I am still not all I should be." (Phillipians 3: 12-13) So learn to love the process of pressing on, not perfection.

Tip 8: GET LOVE

"I've been looking for love in all the wrong places", an old song laments. The sexual sin you're drawn towards may indeed be a cheap (though intense) substitute for love. You can repent of the sin, but not of the need the sin represents. So get love in your life: friendships, family, spouse, fellow believers. A man who truly loves, and knows he's truly loved, is far less likely to search for what he already has in places he'll never find it. "Why do you spend your money on that which is not bread, or your labor on that which cannot satisfy?", Isaiah asked. (Isaiah 55:2) Learn to be intimate and authentic. It's one of the best ways to protect your heart and your integrity.

 

Tip 9: GET GRACE

It isn't the sinless man who makes it to the end; rather, it's the man who's learned to pick himself up after he stumbles. If you're struggle seems relentless, remember this: when you commit yourself to sexual integrity, you commit yourself to a direction, not to perfection. You may stumble along the way - that's no justification for sin, just a realistic view of life in this fallen world. What determines the success or failure of an imperfect man is his willingness to pick himself up, confess his fault, and continue in the direction he committed himself to. Remember Paul's approach: "Forgetting those things that are behind, I press on towards the mark of the high calling." (Phillippians 3: 14)

 

Tip 10: GET A LIFE

What's your passion? What's your calling? How clear are your goals? And, by the way, do you have any fun? The man who doesn't have a life - a passion, a sense of meaning, an ability to play as hard as he works - is a man with an emptiness tailor-made for sexual sin. Life is about more than keeping yourself sexually pure, as important as purity is. It's about knowing who and why you are, where your priorities lie, and where you're headed. If you don't know that much about yourself, you have some serious thinking to do. Commit yourself to developing your life as a good steward of your gifts and opportunities, and make that the context in which you seek to maintain your sexual integrity. Sexual integrity for it's own sake is a good thing; sexual integrity for the sake of a higher calling is better. So by all means turn from your sin. But as you do, turn towards a goal-oriented, passionate, meaningful life. That is repentance in its truest, finest sense.

 

 

 

What is Your Word Worth?

Everything is measured by some standard of value. Material things are measured by length, breadth, weight, density, usefulness, or intrinsic value.

Character also has its standard of measurement. Some people are valued more highly than others, whether in the community, in the church, or in the nation. People are valued, not for their physical size or weight, but for their abilities and more especially for their characters.

In a Christian, the special thing of value, and the only special thing, is his character. If one's character is not of a higher and better quality than that of people in general, in my personal opinion, that one has no right to the name 'Christian'.

The quality of one's character is indicated in various ways. A man's words are generally a clear index to one's character. A person is judged by them, and his value is reckoned by the reliance that may be placed upon his word. We all know someone on whose word we fully rely. If they tell us anything, we believe them. If they make us a promise, we do not expect it to be broken. We rely upon them because they have shown by their conduct that they themselves place a high value upon their own word.

It's often said of such people, "If he says it is so, it is true," or, "If he makes a promise, he will fulfil it." Such men wield a strong influence in a community. People can easily believe and trust in their character. It is a sad fact that such individuals are the exception rather than the rule, even among professed Christians.

How many times promises are made only to be broken or forgotten! This is a grave matter and marks a serious defect in Christian character. We should never make a promise unless we fully expect to fulfil it, and we ought to feel under deep obligation to keep our promise. If we are careless and neglectful of this, it is sure to lower us in men's esteem, and we shall be cheapened and discredited.

Hasty Promises.

Many times promises are made hastily. The person does not stop to consider what he really is promising; he does not weigh its meaning. He says, "Yes, yes, I will"; but later when he thinks the matter over, it looks different to him. He is sorry that he made the promise, and begins to look for some way out so that he will not have to fulfil it.

These hasty promises are just as binding as any others. If we ignore them and do not make our word good, the persons to whom we have made them will have just reason to condemn us. It is easier to make promises than it is to fulfil them.

Beware of making haste to promise. Think about the fulfilment. Think whether you really want to do, or really will do, what you promise. Consider your promises binding. Have the fear of God before you just as much in this matter as in other things. If you wish people to value your word, you must show that you value it yourself. If you do not value it enough to keep it, do not expect others to value it. If you value your word, it will make you careful about your promises -- careful in making them, careful in keeping them.

Do not make rash promises.

Consider what you are promising. Is it something that you can perform? Consider your ability and what things may hinder. Have you any just reason to suppose that you can fulfil it? Would it be wise for you to do it? Would it be best? Have you made other promises that will conflict with it? Remember that when you once promise, if you do not keep your word your failure leaves a shadow upon your character in the mind of the one you promised unless there is some good and sufficient reason to excuse you in his sight.

Do not make careless promises.

The Bible tells us that in our planning we should say, "If the Lord will"; that is, we should take in to consideration that the unexpected may happen. We do not know the future; therefore we ought not to make our promises too positive. We ought to qualify them so as to allow for hindrances.

We ought to be honest in making our promises. Many promises are made when there is no intention of carrying them out. Many people, rather than to say no, will promise and then refuse to perform, thereby making themselves liars. They have not manhood enough to refuse and honestly tell why, so they make a promise and break it. That is the coward's way out. It is the dishonest way out.

Some people say, "If the Lord wills, I will do so," when they do not consider the Lord in the matter at all, but simply mean, "If I do not change my mind." If you think you may change your mind, do not commit yourself definitely. If you are not fully decided, do not be afraid to say that you do not know what you will do. Be honest enough to let the other know the state of your mind. Be honest in making promises; be honest in fulfilling them.

Fidelity to Promises.

Do not make too many promises. He who is too free to promise, places little value upon his promises. He forgets them readily or lets some trifle hinder the performance of them. He always has a ready excuse to ease his conscience and to release himself from the obligation. This indicates a want of character, a lack of real sincerity.

When you make a promise, do not forget it, do not break it. Never disappoint people when you can help it. They feel disappointment as keenly as you do. There is an old saying that "promises are made to be broken." Are your promises of the 'meant to be broken' variety?

When you make promises, keep them. They are a test of your character. I do not mean that you should be under bondage to your promises. Sometimes we fully believe we can and will perform them, but later find that it is impossible. In such a case we should explain matters and so relieve the mind of the one to whom the promise was made and show him that the failure to make good our word is not due to neglect or unwillingness.

Keep your business promises. Many persons get into debt and promise to pay and then just let things drift along. This is wrong. Pay your debts when you agree to, or give a reason for not doing so, and let it be a reason, not an excuse. If you promise to do work for some one, do it. Keep your promise if you must sacrifice to do so.

What is your word worth? What value do you place on it? What value do others place on it? What value does God place on it? God wants you to "speak the truth, and lie not." Your standing, your influence, your usefulness -- all depend upon your faithfulness; and if you are faithful, you will be faithful to your promises.

Think seriously over these things. If you are at fault, set about to make it right. Such a fault will be a blight upon your life and upon your character until it is corrected.

Do You Really Know God?

Genesis 3 relates one of the most amazing stories in the Bible.

Eve was convinced by a talking snake that she didn't have everything she needed to make her happy.

How could this happen?

It's understandable how people today are discontent and looking for something, but Adam and Eve were perfect. They were living in a perfect world with no problems. How could they fall for such a line?

One of the factors was that they didn't really know God. You may think, "What? They walked and talked with God every day in the cool of the evening. Certainly they knew God!"

But they didn't really know the nature and character of our loving Father, or they would never have believed the lie that God was keeping something good from them. Before Satan could tempt Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, he had to make her believe that the Lord didn't have her best interests in mind.

God had never given Adam and Eve any reason to doubt His love and care for them, but how did they know there wasn't something better out there. Since they didn't know what bad was, they had no way to compare how good God was. They had never had the thought that God loved them so much that He would give His only Son to die for them. Their knowledge of God was very limited compared to what we now know of God.

This is a startling truth. We can actually know God more completely and intimately than Adam and Eve did. God has revealed Himself to us through His Word in a way that makes us infinitely more prepared to resist Satan's lies than Adam and Eve were.

Knowing God through His Word is better than having some visible or audible experience. That's what Peter said. In 2 Peter 1:15-21. Peter was trying to assure his readers that the Gospel he had communicated to them was not just some fable or tradition he had heard.

He had known Jesus personally. He even saw Jesus on the mountain when he began to radiate light, and the audible voice of God came out of heaven saying, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him" (Matt. 17:5).

That should be enough proof for anybody, right? No, Peter doesn't stop there. He goes on to say, "We have also a more sure word of prophecy" (2 Pet. 1:19).

Wait! What could be better or more trustworthy than seeing and hearing for yourself that Jesus was God. In verse 20, he says that the "more sure word" is the Scriptures. The Scriptures are more sure reliable than our own senses.

Most of us have not had this attitude. In fact, many people only study the Word hoping that by doing so, they can attain to some experience. If that experience were to come, they would throw the Bible down in a second and revel in the experience. We have become so dominated by sense knowledge that in most people's lives, it overrules everything else.

That was Eve's problem. She wanted to experience for herself what good and evil were. She wanted knowledge that only came by experience. God's Word wasn't good enough. She had to feel it. Sound familiar?

Just as with Eve, Satan has deceived us into thinking that what we have is not enough. He has us chasing an elusive dream that doesn't exist. Sure we can feel and experience God in some tangible ways, but that should not be our goal.

Through God's Word, we can know Him in a way that Adam and Eve never did. And if we truly know Him, Satan will be powerless to lead us away from God because it's the goodness of God that leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4).

Herein lies the real root problem for everyone: We don't know God as we should. It's not God's fault. He has been intricately involved in the affairs of men and has meticulously recorded His dealings in His Word. He has also given us the Holy Spirit to reveal the great truths of His Word to us. We just haven't been showing up for class.

The Lord said, "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge" (Hosea 4:6). Specifically, the knowledge about the very nature and character of God is missing. Galatians 5:6 says faith works by love.

If we really knew the love of God in an intimate way, our faith would work too.

It's my hope that as you read these blogs and are challenged to study God's Word, you will experience an intimacy that lets you experience Him like never before.

The Dangers of Emotional Affairs

Is there anything wrong with having a close friend of the opposite sex after you’re married? 

While there may be no clear answer, there are compelling reasons to be cautious about opposite-sex friendships outside of your spouse’s company. No matter how happy and secure your marriage, you should always protect your relationship against temptation, deception and potential affairs.

Most affairs begin as an innocent connection between two people. You may be brought together through work, church or school. But if your guard isn’t up and your boundaries aren’t well-established, a newly developing connection can quickly become entangled. As you spend time together, either face-to-face, through the computer or by phone, you may find yourself gradually sucked into an emotional affair that can rip a marriage to shreds even though the relationship never becomes physical.

The damage begins when you find yourself sharing information, thoughts or feelings that should have been kept between you and your spouse. This is an emotional betrayal that cuts into the heart of a marriage. The damage worsens as you begin to distance yourself emotionally and physically from your spouse and increase time with your friend.

Eventually, the friendship crosses the line when it introduces elements that should never be part of a marriage – secrets and lies. This deception destroys the foundation of marital security, and once it begins, it’s difficult to stop.

Because an emotional affair remains nonsexual, it is easy to rationalize:

“We’re just friends.”

“He’s never touched me.”

“We aren’t doing anything wrong.”

The relationship continues because the unfaithful spouse reasons away guilt.

Before you were married, you may have had lots of friends of the opposite sex. But once you’ve said “I do,” your relationship with your spouse must now take priority over every other relationship, and it must be protected against any threat.

So if you are close friends with someone of the opposite sex, you may need to honestly look at that relationship to determine if you have fallen into an emotional affair. Here are a few warning signs that may indicate your friendship has crossed the line from platonic to romantic:

Do your conversations with your friend include things that should be kept between you and your spouse?

Do you find yourself daydreaming about your friend?

Have you found yourself withdrawing from your spouse emotionally or physically?

Do you look for excuses to see or talk to your friend?

Do you share thoughts, feelings and problems with your friend instead of your spouse?

Are you convinced that your friend understands you better than your spouse?

Is there flirting or sexual tension?

Do you look for “legal” ways to touch your friend (brush lint off his jacket, help her with her coat)?

Do you find yourself paying attention to how you look before you see your friend?

Is there any secrecy about your relationship (how much time you spend together, what you do together, what you talk about)?

Protect your marriage!

No marriage is affair proof. We are all at risk of losing our focus and being swept into an emotional affair. But you can do several things to safeguard your marriage:

Stay honest with yourself and your spouse. If you find yourself attracted to someone, admit it quickly to yourself and your spouse. Honesty is the key to preventing a relationship from escalating into an affair.

Avoid magazines, movies and other forms of entertainment that can increase your tolerance of affairs.

Try to see your relationships from your spouse’s perspective. What would your spouse be comfortable with? What would he or she feel about what you are doing?

Do not flirt. Most affairs begin with what’s considered “innocent flirting,” but there’s no such thing! Flirting is not a part of friendship.

Keep your marriage as your number one priority. Make sure you are working to meet your spouse’s most important needs. If you’re not sure what those are, ask.

Grow spiritually together. Pray with each other and for each other.

Set boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex. For instance, you and your spouse may decide that neither of you will be alone with someone of the opposite sex, even for business lunches or late nights at work.

Surround yourselves with happily married couples who don’t believe in fooling around.

You can keep your marriage safe from emotional affairs. But it requires open, honest communication and a commitment to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage your number one relationship.